EXCLUSIVE: tape recording from the production of Batman V. Superman

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Editor’s Note: This is a parody. Nothing in this article is real, except the opinion of the writer.

We were digging through the dumpster at Warner Bros. and found a cassette tape from one of the production meetings of Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice, and now it is our EXCLUSIVE gift to YOU!

Unfortunately, the entire recording was consumed by the office’s community pet possum, but thankfully our staff writer Nathan Woodham was able to listen to it before it was destroyed. He will now describe to you, in great detail, what transpired within that tape.

The tape begins in the middle of some chatter among Warner Bros. executives. A door creaks and the room goes quiet.

“Everyone, this is Zack,” says a member of the board, referring to Zack Snyder, the director of Batman V. Superman. “He is here to pitch his idea for the new Batguy or whatever and, more importantly, he is about to make us a lot of money. Take it away, Zack.”

“Okay, so here is my pitch for Lex Luthor’s character in Batman V. Superman: Justice Dawning or whatever it’s called,” says Snyder. “So the Joker is like, really popular, right? So lets make that skinny kid we hired real messed up, yah know? Like he is crazy and stuff. The kids will love it.

“I got his evil plan all figured out too. He wants to make Superman look like a bad guy to the public because his powers are too scary. So first he sends goons to the middle east to shoot some guys with his special Luthor brand bullets, and-”

“Wait, hold on,” says a female executive. “Why do they have to be Luthor brand? Can’t he just use regular bullets? I mean, it’s not like they are fighting Superman and need to use special bullets, right? They are just killing regular people. Right?”

“Stacey,” says one of the male executives. “You’re fired.”

There is some shuffling and a door slamming shut.

“Okay, so as I was saying,” Snyder continues, “He shoots all these guys cause he is relying on Superman’s super-speed and super-hearing to save Lois, so he can frame him for all the killings.

“Then Lex makes Batman mad and kidnaps Superman’s mommy so he will fight Batman!”

“Wh-what?” says a young executive. “That doesn’t- wouldn’t Superman just talk to Batman? Why would they fight? And for that matter, why wouldn’t Superman use his super-hearing to save his mom before she gets captured? Or after she gets captured? Why would he need Batman at all?”

“Who cares?” says Snyder, “The kids just wanna see them punch each other! And get this: BOTH Batman AND Superman have a mom named Martha!”

A few gasps and murmurs spark among the executives.

“So I figured they finally stop fighting when they find out their mommies have the same name!”

“Wow, Mr. Snyder,” says a voice that sounds like a young boy. “You are truly a genius.”

“Anyways,” said Snyder. “So you guys will dig this. I was watching Superman 4: The Quest for Peace, the greatest Superman movie ever, and I was inspired by the scene where Lex combines his DNA with a Kryptonian and creates Nuclear Man. We should do that! But instead of Nuclear Man, it will create DOOMSDAY!”

Clapping and cheering erupts from the audience.

“Mr. Snyder, what plans do you have for the final fight scene?” says an executive. “Our focus groups agree that it’s a very important aspect of the film.”

“I don’t understand those big words you just used, but I do have a plan for that!” says Snyder. “So Lois Lane is a woman right? I figure, hey, women are feeble, stupid creatures. Why don’t we have Lois drop the Kryptonite spear in the water? But wait! Here comes Doomsday and they got to defeat him with Kryptonite. So Lois jumps in the water, but she can’t swim cause she’s a woman, so Superman has to save her and gets weakened by the Kryptonite. Oh no! He kills himself and Doomsday to save the world!”

Gasping from the audience.

“Our focus groups also like how dark Batman was in The Dark Knight,” says another executive.

“Then we give him guns! Simple!”

“Brilliant! What about that Wondergirl, or whoever? What will you do with her?”

“Oh… well jeez,” says Snyder. “I forgot she was in the movie… well, she is a woman, so the audience won’t notice if we give her the same script as Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises. I’ll let her fight at the end too.”

“Okay Zack, one last thing,” says the executive. “We have to make a whole universe of moneymaking movies like Marvel. How are you going to introduce the universe and the other characters?”

“Glad you asked! First of all, Batman is gonna have some visions from the future. He’ll be all dressed up in desert gear, with goggles and guns and a coat. It’ll be a 14 year old’s wet dream!

“That’s not all. I am going to introduce the new DC characters in the best way possible. Kids love technology right? With their smartphones and whatnot. So let’s have Batman find out about them through EMAIL!”

The audience screams with excitement and the tape cuts out.

And that’s the story about how Batman V. Superman was made.

As for a rating, Batman V. Superman gets a futon that would have been nice if the previous owner’s cat didn’t urinate all over it and infect it with lice and scabies.

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